Pathways

On the eve of embarking on a new job I find myself thinking about the path that has gotten me to where I am now. Although I am a planner, I never planned what my careers would be or what I would "do." Honestly, I never thought I would live to be a real adult (whatever that means) and I never saw myself getting older.... I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing at 70.

I knew at a young age I enjoyed being around people and in college I gravitated towards the social sciences. After graduating, I realized I really needed to find a job. Job searching wasn't something I was too worried about. By the time I graduated I have seen many doors open in my life right when I needed them to. I knew I wanted to end up in China for at least a year and that was always at the back of my mind. In the mean time, an art teacher position opened up at a small school close to Atlanta.

No formal art or teacher training? No problem. My heart knew I could do it and I did. And did it well and I saw that teaching was something I could do for a while. It was everything I was good at. Planning lessons, researching topics, interacting with people, a little acting, a little mystery, anything to keep the kids intrigued and wanting to learn more. At the right time again, China opened up and I walked through the door for a year. It was amazing and I cherish my time there greatly.

I came back from China with the desire to settle down a bit. To maybe get married, maybe have a family? So I did. It was easy and I didn't think too much about it. Other teaching jobs opened up here in Nashville and I took them. I thought about the future but stopped dreaming. I wished for things but reality was not matching up.

This year of 2015 has turned out to be one that took me back to Square One. Back to searching for what I really wanted to do. Public education wrecked me desire to teach for a long time (still can't stomach the idea of going back) and what does one do who has many years of experience and a degree in a field they can't think about playing on again?

I do not have the desire to teach abroad right now. I do have the desire to be here. Maybe not forever, but for a while longer. There are still things that need to happen here. That I know.

I knew my current job had to go. The pay was pitiful and the work that used to be enjoyable was now stifling. I wasn't being use to my full capacity and my lead had misogynist tendencies so I searched for something new. I poked around to see what was out there. I ran across a posting and lightheartedly applied: Happiness Office Manager. Hell yes, I could do that. The door opened again and I walked gracefully through. It is everything I'm good at: planning outings, planning meals, making sure everyone has what is needed, organizing, logistics. It's for a company that is new and wants to succeed. It's a place I can help build a foundation with and maybe get some marketing experience in as well.

On this eve I am excited about the possibilities and where the opportunities will take me. I feel like I am out of the rut, the veil is lifted, the light is starting to shine again. I have started to think more and to dream a little.

And in my mind's eye I always glance West.
And I see the ocean below, the falling twilight sky meeting the pregnant descending sun.
The wind picks up and the taste of salt becomes acute as we race towards the light.
The world is ours.
The future is bright.
The future is indestructible.
We are hopeful for the future.
Don't try to hold us for we shift like the sand we left at the safety of the shore.
Today we breathe.
Today we live.
And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
And tomorrow will take care of itself.

I am happy again. And hopeful.

Time to Pay Attention- Hello Meyers-Briggs

In my quest to figure out how I could have made an important decision so lightly, I have started reading more into the Meyers-Briggs test.

Yes, you know the one. You took it in 8th grade. It was fun and you were surprised by how well it articulated who you were. But you were in 8th grade and nothing seems absolute and many of the words you did not understand. You probably took it again in high school with a little more sincerity but you also wanted to rebel against anything that could pin you down so you again thought it was fun, but didn't look too much into it.

College, the same thing but the Eastern and Western Zodiacs also intrigued you and you lumped the Meyers-Briggs into that same esoteric personality/stars lump. No big deal. Keep it all within arms length. You are your own person!

Then your world gets turned up-side-down. You make an unwise decision and suddenly you are trying to figure out who you are and how the hell you allowed yourself to make a poor decision?

Enter Meyers-Briggs again. This time you pay attention. You read the books about the personality types and about the temperaments. You start trying to figure everyone around you out, including your ESFP long tailed cat.

Suddenly everything comes together and you regret not paying closer attention when you were younger, but you didn't know and deep down you realize you've always had to learn things the hard way.

Mind blown. I am a classic ENFJ- The Teacher, although I think as I've gotten older the line between F and T is a bit blurry and that category is one of my weakest. As an NF (iNtuitive-Feeler also called an "Idealist") I've come to realize that only 25% (ish) of the population is intuitive. This in itself makes sense. This feeling I've had that I didn't fit in and that I thought about things most people didn't think about is statically true. Only 1 in 4 process information intuitively (as oppose to using the five senses) I have always trusted my intuition and rarely has it let me down. Now that things are over with a Sensor (S) type, I've realized that I have to be with someone in the future who is also processes things Intuitively. This is deeply rewarding and will make for a happy future. Unfortunately the numbers aren't in my favor, but one can hold out hope, right?

I ran across this interesting tidbit of info from the book, Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence by David Kerisey: "What Idealist wish for in their spouse is a Soulmate, a spouse who knows their feeling without being told of them and who spontaneously expresses words of endearment. They want the marital relationship to be, as they put it, "deep and meaningful," Other types will settle for much less than this. Guardians (ST) would be Helpmates and Artisans (SP) prefer Playmates and wonder what the Idealist means by "deep and meaningful." And Rationales (NT), wishing to share their consciousness with their mates are more for being Mindmates than Soulmates. Here, suffice it to say that Idealist are asking their spouses to something most of them do not understand and do not know how to give."

What?  People always made fun of me because I gravitated towards the desire for a soulmate now I realize that is just how I am. It's comforting and scary. This could be a lonely life ahead but I do have confidence. A little over 25% of the population would be well suited, so let's begin. Not now of course, but at some point. I am in no hurry.

In the mean time, I'll keep reading and analyzing. Truly what is more exciting to learn about?

Top 10 List- Farewell David Letterman

Hard to believe there will be no more late nights with David Letterman. In the spirit of him and because we are so slow at work, I present two (2?!!) top 10 list:

Top 10 albums I could listen to over & over again while laying on the floor:

Plans by Death Cab for Cutie

Give Up by The Postal Service

Ghost by Radical Face

Enema of the State by Blink 182

A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar by Dashboard Confessinal

The Con by Tegan & Sara

Live Across a Wire by Counting Crows

Speak for Yourself by Imogene Heap

Bleed American by Jimmy Eat World

() by Sigur Ros

Top 10 film I can't get out of my head:

The Cove- dolphin killing in Japan

We Need to Talk about Kevin

Fork over Knives

Interstellar

Waking Life- words can't express. Watch it. 

Looper- Rian Johnson's first blockbuster film. Fantastic. His earlier films are good too. 

The Matrix

April Showers- about the Columbine shootings. Directed by a surviver. 

Romeo + Juliet- the 90s version. Every teens' heart collectively swooned at this one. 

Stand by Me- for nostalgic reasons. When I watched it in college I was shocked my parents actually let me watch it as a kid. When I asked my mom about all the cussing she said, "I knew you wouldn't remember the cussing." Sure enough, I didnt. And there's River Phoenix. He's the reason I love nature names and I hope to name a kid Basil or Cedar on day. 

There you are. 

Rest in Peace Bergamot

I lost a good hen yesterday. Bergamot was a sweet tempered Muran that laid beautiful darker brown eggs. She was three this spring.

I like the idea of an "urban farmer" but I realized there is one crucial element of having any sort of animals that I do not possess. I am not able to kill. The sad reality is that I knew she was not doing well for several months and she should have been culled to put her out of her misery. But I could not do it.

I was raised around hunters and have many memories of my dad and his cousin dressing deer in the shed after a successful morning. One very fond memory of deer brains plopping out of the top of a deer skull and a barn cat eating the warm organ. The texture reminded me of what the bottom of pizza looks like when you take off the toppings and lick off the sauce. Yummy.

I would ask my dad if he "caught a deer" and he would reply he did not catch it but killed it. It never stuck and often I would ask if he caught one after being out. Maybe I didn't want to make the connection between my dad being out, a dead deer and the delicious meat that was in our freezer.

It was the same way with fishing. My sister and I would reluctantly go with my dad but there was no way I was a) touching the worm or b) touching the fish that ate the worm! I thought I was pretty good a fishing since my worm always go eaten but I never wanted anything to do with the fish on the end.

All my life I either saw animals alive or dead but not in the in between stage. That thin line between this world and the next. From movies that thin line was filled with suffering before it ended. It was violent, painful, scary. In real life that thin line is also filled with those things and we all hope for the opposite. We hope for peace and a quiet ending. I do not want to be a part of that thin line since the stakes are high that peace is not the way it will happen.

I am grateful Bergamot went quietly. I sensed something was happening yesterday afternoon while we were washing strawberries. She was poking around the shed by the dirt. She laid down like she always did but something was off. When I peaked out a few minutes later her head rested on her breast in such a way that I knew she had crossed over. So quick. In an instant. Life. Death. She was a good chicken.

Thanks for the eggs and the enjoyment of watching you poke around the backyard. I am glad you got to see some snow this winter.

Contentment

I stumble across articles with titles like, "The Year I was Single" and "The Year I Stopped Dating" and I think to myself that I've spend more years alone than with someone. More years doing what I want instead of doing what we collectively decide to do.

Being single in my 30s much easier and stressless than being single in my 20s. Part of that is a confidence that I can do many things without someone and still be happy. My confidence wavered in my 20s and the thought of being alone forever was too daunting, so I remedied it. I thought marriage would make me less alone. Instead I found that all the things I enjoyed my husband did not and vice versa. Alone in a house you create together is harder than being alone in a house you construct with your hands.

There is also the idea that I don't really care. I don't care to stress out about who will be there, who I'll meet, what will happen. All I have is now so I'll do what I want and if I find someone doing some of those same things then maybe we can do things together. But if not, I am still doing what is best for me. It's simple and I wish I would have know this 10 years ago. Thankfully lessons can still be learned.

For now I am content. For now I am happy. For now I am alone but not lonely and that is all the difference.

It is liberating to think about writing something like this on a Saturday night, just me, some Son Lux, a book and a quiet house. My goal is to always be in a state like this. Not wanting what I don't have but enjoying what I do.

What if I don't know what I want?

And he asked what I wanted. A simple question that I can typically answer, but at the moment I could not. Theoretically I want security and someone who wants to do life together. Someone who I adore, respect, someone who is funny and knows who he is. I want someone who is my other half, the opposite side of the coin. Some would say a fairytale.... maybe?

I've learned that "opposites attract" is bogus. Too many compromises. Too much conflict.

Practically I found what I wanted in very few people. Most I know in four seconds if it will work. It will not.  Of most of the others, a spark never ignites. None have ever happened to live in the same city or state (or country, more like it) and after doing long distance once, is not something I can bear to do again. I typically want to keep exploring and keep searching but this time around, I feel settled. I don't have the acute voice whispering it's time to leave again. At first? Yes, out of sheer desperation but now that things have settled, moving is less appealing. My roots want to grow.

My mom always said I seemed unsettled, always searching, but she never knew for what. Maybe I'll always be searching. Maybe it's a part of being a young soul. Maybe it will always be like this.

Maybe what I really need to to embrace it and stop fighting. Search but learn to be still.

Dream States and Waking States

It feels like a dream where I wake a little confused and sweaty except I own a house and have photos that attest to the fact that it was not a dream.

Like discovering my stuffed bunny in the garage after a night of sleep walking when I was little.

Let me hit the snooze button for five minutes. That's all I need for clarity.