Contentment

I stumble across articles with titles like, "The Year I was Single" and "The Year I Stopped Dating" and I think to myself that I've spend more years alone than with someone. More years doing what I want instead of doing what we collectively decide to do.

Being single in my 30s much easier and stressless than being single in my 20s. Part of that is a confidence that I can do many things without someone and still be happy. My confidence wavered in my 20s and the thought of being alone forever was too daunting, so I remedied it. I thought marriage would make me less alone. Instead I found that all the things I enjoyed my husband did not and vice versa. Alone in a house you create together is harder than being alone in a house you construct with your hands.

There is also the idea that I don't really care. I don't care to stress out about who will be there, who I'll meet, what will happen. All I have is now so I'll do what I want and if I find someone doing some of those same things then maybe we can do things together. But if not, I am still doing what is best for me. It's simple and I wish I would have know this 10 years ago. Thankfully lessons can still be learned.

For now I am content. For now I am happy. For now I am alone but not lonely and that is all the difference.

It is liberating to think about writing something like this on a Saturday night, just me, some Son Lux, a book and a quiet house. My goal is to always be in a state like this. Not wanting what I don't have but enjoying what I do.